Seriously, I’m Totally Normal, Lies Angelina Jolie

It must be International Fibbing Week or something, because it seems like untruths are spilling from celebrities, like soup from bearded tramp’s inebriated spluttering mouth. Yesterday Posh Spice said something about not being remotely thin. And today, it turns out that Angelina Jolie has been insisting to OK! Magazine –  the UK’s least discerning showbusiness pamphlet – that she’s completely normal. Not totally weird at all.

Only, she is totally weird. We know that.

Discussing her new role as mother to children with intriguing names – Maddox, Pax, Shiloh, Zahara, Knox, Vivienne – she breezily pointed out that she’s “just a dedicated mother, really quite normal.” Whilst obviously stretching the boundaries of what “normal” might be with a single sentence.

Some people would argue that dedicated, normal mothers probably didn’t marry their first husband – let’s call him Johnny Lee Miller - wearing a pair of tight rubber trousers, and a white shirt with his name scrawled on it in blood. Her blood. To hammer home the point – Jolie, normal, spent a good few minutes before her first wedding day cutting herself, then romantically spattering the groom’s name all over a crisp white blouse. Possibly cackling loudly as she went. Most girls would probably settle for a nice white dress, with a zany veil attached. Or, if they’re feeling unusual and wacky, something wild – like a cream dress.

Also rather less than normal was the time the actress married Billy Bob Thornton – her second three-named groom – and thought it best that they both carried a vial of one another’s blood around their necks. The woman, it seems, equates blood with romance. Again, this could be considered rather less than usual behaviour. 

Yes, quite a few mums do have tatts these days. Normally something classy, like a butterfly at the small of their back – which, it has been pointed out, might as well be a bull’s eye – or a small dolphin happily swimming around on their stomach. But Jolie has taken tatts on mothers to another level, with bits of Buddhist Sanskrit, latin proverbs, roman numerals, entire history lectures, sculptures, numerous paintings, and a small donations box. The woman is like a big fleshy museum, who could probably home school her children with just the contents of the artwork on her back.

And, rounding off the list of things that make Angelina Jolie considerably less normal than the rest of the world is that she’s a regular bed partner to Brad Pitt. Him a lusted after screen hunk, her seemingly popular in a sexual sense with both men and women. So please, Jolie, don’t say you’re “normal”. If you’re normal, the rest of us are screwed.

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