Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service: Fittingly Uncomfortable

In life, Michael Jackson always had a touch of the Willy Wonkas about him – reclusive, eccentric, fond of kids.

But in death? Well, in death the comparison’s gone berserk. Not only was the audience for yesterday’s Michael Jackson memorial service doled out via a lucky ticket-style lottery system, but Michael Jackson himself made sure he was front and centre throughout the show in his great big shiny coffin. How nobody started a mass singalong of I’ve Got A Golden Casket is beyond us.

But what a show the Michael Jackson memorial service was. Try and top that, Gary Glitter.

OK, good, that’s it. Michael Jackson has died, his memorial service is over and his family has held a private service for him. That’s it. It’s all over. Unless you count the inevitable child custody battle, the inevitable legal squabble over his estate, the toxicology results and the potentially upsetting news it’ll bring and the fact that none of this is clearly even partially over, in which case you’ll realise that this is just the tip of a grotesque, oddly-faced, squeaky-voiced iceberg.

Because of this, yesterday’s Michael Jackson memorial service in LA’s Staples Centre wasn’t the full stop that everyone had hoped it’d be, rather a slapdash comma separating Michael Jackson’s death from the morbid news about all his alleged drug addictions, tell-all interviews with his staff and rush-released sensationalist biographies called things like Michael Jackson: He Had A Disturbing Face And You Wouldn’t Exactly Trust Him Around Your Kids, Would You?

But, as send offs go, you have to admit that the memorial service was a doozy. Anyone who was anyone was there – Mariah Carey, Usher, Lionel Richie, Stevie Wonder, that creepy little smug kid from Britain’s Got Talent, Michael Jackson himself, encased inside a coffin so gaudy that it probably gave Donald Trump an erection – and, as Reuters reports, Michael Jackson’s own children:

Jermaine and Marlon lamented the loss of their brother, but it was Michael Jackson’s daughter, Paris, who left the crowd — and the world — with the most moving words of the ceremony. “Ever since I was born,” she began, sobbing and barely mustering the strength to speak, “Daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine. And I just want to say I love him so much.”

It was an undeniably tender moment, and thankfully one not disrupted by Paris’ little brother Prince Michael II adding “Well, maybe not the ABSOLUTE best father. He did dangle me off a balcony that time, remember? That was kind of effed up. Remember? That time he actually dangled me off an effing balcony. What was that all about?”

However, as spectacular and moving as Michael Jackson’s memorial service was, it might not be too long before it’s outdone. We heard that when Tito goes, his memorial service will feature tributes by Bradley Walsh, two members of Kajagoogoo, that homeless bloke who plays the washboard outside the Wolverhampton branch of Carphone Warehouse and a tin of dogfood. Eat that, Michael Jackson.

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