Kanye West & Taylor Swift Cruelly Refuse To Make It Stop

Stuff you, Michael Jackson! The biggest news story of the year isn’t your death any more – it’s Kanye West and Taylor Swift.

Or at least that’s what they’d have you believe. Because even though it was basically just one idiot hurting another idiot’s feelings for a second, Kanye West and Taylor Swift are steadfastly refusing to shut up about the MTV VMA incident.

The latest news is that Kanye West has now personally apologised to Taylor Swift. And if that apology involved anything more than bellowing “BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!” into a telephone, we’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Look, we mean this. Stop. Kanye West and Taylor Swift, just stop. We can see where this is going, and we don’t like it. We’ve analysed this situation, and the slow thawing of the relationship between the two of you since Kanye West shattered Taylor Swift’s self-esteem at the MTV VMAs can only lead to one thing. That’s right – a hip-hop/tween-country mash-up cover of Endless Love by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. Aside from the middle eight – which would invariably involve Kanye West repeatedly shrieking the word “BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!” over a banjo solo – it’s a terrible idea.

Kanye West has already shown that his actions at the MTV VMAs have affected him profoundly – he looked distraught during his televised apology, although that may have been because the memory of his dead mother had just been callously invoked by a man with a face like a mangled foot – and now he’s taken his apology to Taylor Swift personally.

Maybe this was sincere, or maybe it was because Taylor Swift had just appeared on The View to talk about the incident and Kanye knew that the last thing he needed was a shrill nimrod like Elisabeth Hasselbeck on his case as well. But, whatever the reason, Kanye West yesterday telephoned Taylor to give a heartfelt apology that, if we know Kanye, was mostly about himself and had too many exclamation marks in it. ABC reports:

Representatives from “The View” said West called Swift after her appearance on today’s show, and she accepted his apology. Swift later told ABC News Radio, “Kanye did call me and he was very sincere in his apology, and I accepted that apology.”

Thank heavens for that. Because we’ve seen situations like this unfold before and, if Taylor Swift chose not to accept Kanye West’s apology, then he’d be forced to apologise to country music community leaders before embarking on a month-long rehab program. And then he’d have to make a number of PSAs about the importance of not negatively comparing country singers to Beyonce on television when you’ve got what appears to be a medieval maze shaved into the side of your head. After all, this tactic worked for Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington, didn’t it?

But still, at least now the war is over. All this fuss over 30 seconds of an MTV awards show. The world is full of big, important issues that need to be addressed, and this is what everyone decides to focus on? It makes us sick. At least now we’re freed up to concentrate on something a little more worthy of our time. Like, say, Kate Gosselin’s new haircut. Have you SEEN that thing?

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