Happy Birthday Michael Jackson, Here’s That Burial You’ve Always Wanted

Michael Jackson’s death is such a drag. True, he’s have a huge tribute show in September and a film out in October.

But what about August? We demand more! We pay Michael Jackson’s wages, after all! Entertain us, Michael Jackson! And we don’t mean by the ongoing investigation into your allegedly unlawful death, either! We mean something fun! Something like a private burial on what would have been your 51st birthday! Really? That’s what your family is organising? Fine, you’re forgiven. Oh, we could never stay mad at you, you big lug.

Wait, Michael Jackson hasn’t been buried yet? Ugh.

It would have been Michael Jackson’s 51st birthday on August 29. And, the man of simple pleasures that he was, he didn’t want much in the way of gifts. Maybe some Jesus Juice, or a bunch of arbitrary crap with his own face drawn on it, or enough industrial-strength medical anaesthetic to put him into a coma for a couple of days. Like we said, simple pleasures.

But oh no. Instead of giving Michael Jackson what he wants for his birthday, his family has decided to put him in the ground instead. Literally in the ground – he’s being buried and stuff at the Forest Lawn Memorial-Park in Glendale. The Los Angeles Times reports:

Jackson will be interred Aug. 29, which would have been his 51st birthday, in an intimate morning service for family and friends in the expansive cemetery’s Great Mausoleum, according to a statement from the family publicist. The pop singer’s remains will be placed in a crypt in the Holly Terrace section of the mausoleum.

Who will Michael Jackson be sharing the mausoleum with? Why, the likes of Clark Gable and Jean Harlow, who we’re sure will be thrilled at all the constant intrusion from all the boggle-eyed Michael Jackson fans who keep breaking in to try and touch their hero at night.

But it doesn’t really matter where Michael Jackson will be buried. He’s already received the send-off he deserved and, unless they ferry in Usher and that kid from Britain’s Got Talent to stand in the doorway of the mausoleum and bellow spooky versions of Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough at the mourners, this burial is bound to be an anti-climax, at least in terms of spectacle.

Anyway, Michael Jackson has been dead for almost two months now, so his burial is well deserved. Although there must be a small part of Michael Jackson’s family that wants to hold off for a little while longer. After all, Jermaine Jackson is organising that big tribute concert to Michael in Vienna next month, and that’d be much more of a draw if Michael’s body was lowered down on wires and made to sway backwards and forwards during the big singalong finish of We Are The World, wouldn’t it?

And by burying him now, Michael’s not really making himself available for the chat show circuit to promote his new movie, is he? Selfish, that’s what he is.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!