Chris Brown Sort Of Admits That He Is A Monster After All

Chris Brown is about to face the fight of his life – which isn’t hard because he usually just fights girls.

And they’re easy to beat. But we digress. This time, Chris Brown is fighting for his reputation. Now he’s pleaded guilty to attacking Rihanna, Chris Brown doesn’t want to be known as the violent woman-hating brute with the stupid teeth any more – he wants to be known as the wimpily generic R&B star with the stupid teeth again.

So Chris Brown has taken the sensible option – he’s begged his fans for forgiveness on YouTube. While dressed as a Chinese waiter.

Chris Brown is a little bit like the boy who cried wolf. He’s not completely like the boy who cried wolf – because in Aesop’s fable the boy didn’t beat the wolf to a quivering pulp in a Lamborghini because it looked at one of his text messages – but Chris Brown does change his story so often that it’s hard to know when he’s telling the truth.

Directly after he was arrested for bludgeoning Rihanna with his ridiculous gravestone teeth, Chris Brown apologised to everyone for it. Then he said that he only did it out of self-defence. Then he said that he didn’t do it. Then he said that he wasn’t a monster and sort of blamed the media for saying that he did it. Then he said that he did it. Short of blaming the attack on a werewolf, or suggesting that Rihanna choked herself unconscious and bit her own ear out of guilt for being such a blasted whore, Chris Brown literally tried every single angle available to him.

And now, since it’s hard to deny something that you’ve already pleaded guilty to in court, Chris Brown is trying a new angle. It’s basically the same as his first ‘apologise relentlessly’ angle, but he’s doing it in person on the internet. And, for reasons known only to himself, he’s decided to dress up like an inmate in a weird Guantanamo Bay-style terrorist holding facility that only exists in the mind of Jean-Paul Gaultier to do it. Look…

Poor Chris Brown. Damn those attorneys for not letting him speak out and apologise for all of this earlier. Damn those bloody attorneys who Chris Brown explicitly employed and paid for with his own money for the sole job of keeping him out of jail however they could. They’re keeping Chris Brown in chains. In CHAINS!

Oh we’re just kidding. It’s fairly clear that Chris Brown’s apology is sincere here – he’s doing that thing that only genuinely sincere people do, where their eyes move left and right in time with what they’re saying and sometimes they concentrate really hard as if they’re reading a statement that was prepared for them by somebody else from an autocue. They’re not reading anything from an autocue, though. They’re just being very sincere.

Now comes the big test for Chris Brown, though. Will people start buying Chris Brown’s records again because he dressed up like a flamboyant masseuse and said sorry for a couple of minutes? Let’s hope so. After all, everyone deserves a second chance in life.

Especially those who, like Chris Brown, are bound to spend an entire week desperately blubbing for forgiveness on the set of Oprah like an unbearable bloody wet-mouthed bellend unless we all immediately start buying their records again right away. We really can’t stress that enough.

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