Chris Brown’s History Of Being A Punchy Old Tool

So it’s all over. Chris Brown has been sentenced to 180 hours of community service for beating up Rihanna.

Now he can rebuild his career. And that’ll be easy, because his attack on Rihanna was an isolated incident – it’s not like Chris Brown is a compulsive woman-beater who’s been involved in a handful of other violent incidents, is it? It’s not like he ever shoved Rihanna into a wall or deliberately smashed the windows of a car she was sitting in, is it?

Because that would make Chris Brown even harder to love, wouldn’t it? Brace yourselves for the inevitable, kids.

Chris Brown is currently doing everything in his power to persuade people that he’s not a monster. He’s pleaded guilty to his charges of attacking Rihanna. He’s made a video, apologising via the medium of reading words that he doesn’t seem to understand off a cue card. He’s even said that he’s not a monster. And that’s enough for us.

Because we believe in second chances. And that goes for everyone, even weird sabre-toothed R&B singers who think it’s acceptable to choke and bite and punch women who’ve read text messages on their phone. Chris Brown may have made a solitary bad decision, but he’s been punished for it with 180 hours of community service. He’s repaying his debt to society, and we couldn’t ask any more than that. Welcome back, Chris Brown.

Now, before we officially wipe the slate clean and let you get on with being a pop star again, we should probably just take a quick look at this probation officer’s report that was filed for your sentencing. It’s just a formality. We’re sure it’s not going to paint a picture of an intrinsically violent bellend who seems incapable of going more than three or four seconds without beating up whichever woman he happens to be nearest to. Is it, MTV?

The report claims the first incident allegedly occurred in Europe last year, when Brown and Rihanna were in a “verbal dispute.” She slapped him, and Brown responded by shoving her into a wall.

Oh, um. Well that puts us in a rather uncomfortable position, Chris Brown. It seems that your attack on Rihanna wasn’t a one-off incident at all. But, OK, so long as that’s the full extent of it we suppose we can still commence with the slate-wiping ceremony…

And three weeks before Brown’s arrest in February, the former couple were in Rihanna’s native Barbados and got into an argument while driving. The report claims that Brown got out and broke both the driver’s and front passenger-side windows.

Bloody hell Chris Brown, you’re not exactly making this easy for yourself, are you?

That’s two whole violent events that nobody even knew about until now, so that means we’ve got to go through this whole thing again – we have to put up with your woefully illiterate fans wrongheadedly protesting your innocence, then you’ll have to drag in your crazy-eyed hype man to screech “Beleeey DAT!” all though your ill-advised amateur YouTube denials, and then you’ll have to put up with every woman you ever meet looking genuinely terrified in your presence because they believe there’s a very real chance that you’ll lose your temper and beat them into a quivering pulp.

Still, good luck with the comeback, yeah?

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